Conflict is a part of nearly every marriage because we all live in a fallen world where even the healthiest couples argue, misunderstand, and wound each other. What sets thriving relationships apart from those that collapse is not the absence of conflict but the presence of the Prince of Peace who gives grace to so that couples can humbly work through conflict well. One-way couples can do this is by using repair attempts. These seemingly ordinary gestures—an apology, a gentle joke, a kind word, a hand reaching out—carry extraordinary weight in restoring connection.
What John Gottman Teaches About Repair Attempts
Dr. John Gottman, one of the most respected marriage researchers of our time, coined the term repair attempts to describe efforts partners make to de-escalate conflict and restore goodwill. He writes, “The success or failure of a couple’s repair attempts is one of the primary factors in whether their marriage will survive” (John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work).
According to Gottman, repair attempts can be subtle: a smile in the middle of an argument, humor to break the tension, or a statement like, “Can we start over?” The power is not in the size of the attempt but in whether the partner receives it. Couples who have built a foundation of friendship, trust, and emotional responsiveness are far more likely to recognize and accept repair attempts, even if clumsy or imperfect.
Conversely, when resentment, unforgiveness and contempt dominate a relationship, repair attempts often fail. Gottman observes that contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. Repair attempts cannot flourish in an atmosphere poisoned by disrespect. This insight reinforces what Scripture has long taught—that words hold the power of life and death (Proverbs 18:21).
Repair Attempts in Light of Scripture
The Bible is rich with wisdom about repairing brokenness. From Genesis to Revelation, God reveals Himself as a God of reconciliation, calling His people to be peacemakers (Matthew 5:9).
James 1:19 offers a foundational principle for repair attempts: “Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” Listening carefully, pausing before responding, and softening anger are all relational repair strategies.
Proverbs 15:1 teaches, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Repair attempts often take the form of soft answers—words that de-escalate rather than inflame.
Ephesians 4:32 exhorts believers, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” True repair is not just about smoothing over conflict but extending forgiveness grounded in God’s grace.
When couples practice repair attempts, they mirror the gospel itself. God, the ultimate initiator of reconciliation, sought us out even when we were His enemies (Romans 5:8). Every repair attempt in a marriage is a small reflection of that greater story.
Why Repair Attempts Work
Repair attempts are powerful for several reasons:
They signal humility. Saying, “I was wrong, I’m sorry,” requires acknowledging fault—a direct blow to pride. Scripture reminds us, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble” (James 4:6). Humility disarms defensiveness.
They restore safety. Conflict often makes couples feel unsafe emotionally. Repair attempts, even small ones like reaching for a partner’s hand, signal, “I still care about you. We’re on the same team.”
They reset perspective. Conflict narrows our vision—we fixate on the offense and lose sight of the whole relationship. Repair attempts broaden our focus, reminding us of love, shared history, and deeper commitment.
They break destructive cycles. Left unchecked, conflict spirals downward. Repair attempts interrupt these cycles. As Proverbs 17:14 notes, “The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so quit before the quarrel breaks out.”
Practical Examples of Repair Attempts
Saying, “That came out wrong—let me try again.”
Offering a genuine, “I’m sorry for hurting you.”
Using humor to ease tension, if it doesn’t minimize the issue.
Suggesting a break: “Can we pause and revisit this later when we’re calmer?”
Expressing affection: a touch on the arm, a hug, or eye contact.
Reassuring commitment: “I love you, even though we’re upset right now.”
What matters most is not perfection but intent. As Gottman emphasizes, “Repair attempts are the secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples—even though few of them realize that this is what’s going on.”
When Repair Attempts Fail
There are times when repair attempts fall flat. Sometimes one partner is too flooded emotionally to receive them. At other times, deep wounds or patterns of contempt override goodwill. This is where biblical wisdom speaks directly. Jesus teaches in Matthew 18:21-22 that forgiveness must be extended repeatedly—“seventy times seven”—because relationships are fragile and easily fractured.
Yet forgiveness does not mean ignoring sin or enabling harm. In destructive relationships, genuine repair requires both repentance and change, not just words. A repair attempt is meaningful only when backed by sincerity and a willingness to grow.
Repair Attempts and the Gospel
At the heart of the Gospel is God moving toward broken, sinful man, bringing sacrificial reconciliation through Jesus Christ. “All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation” (2 Corinthians 5:18).
In marriage and close relationships, repair attempts are one way we live out this ministry of reconciliation. They remind us that our conflicts are not ultimate; God’s grace is. Couples who learn to repair well do more than avoid divorce and they showcase the gospel to a watching world.
How to Grow in Repairing Well
Pray for humility. Pride is the enemy of repair. Ask God to soften your heart so you can admit wrongs quickly.
Practice small gestures. Don’t wait for big fights—use repair attempts daily. A thank-you, a smile, or a quick apology builds resilience.
Receive repair attempts. Be gracious when your partner reaches out, even if clumsy. Remember Proverbs 19:11: “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.”
Anchor in Scripture. Meditate on passages like Colossians 3:12-14, which calls us to patience, forgiveness, and love—the very qualities needed to repair.
Seek help if needed. Some cycles are too entrenched to repair alone. Wise counselors, pastors, and mentors can provide guidance.
Conclusion
Repair attempts may look ordinary, but they are extraordinary acts of God’s grace and they can determine whether relationships endure or collapse. As Scripture shows, they reflect the heart of Christ, who is the Prince of Peace.
In every marriage, friendship, family or business relationship, conflict will arise. The question is not whether we will hurt each other but whether we will humble ourselves to repair. Each attempt—however small—echoes the words of Christ, who has already made the ultimate repair between God and us.
If you want to improve your marriage by using repair attempts, please come see me for marriage counseling. Click on the link below to contact me.