Help! I Am Unequally Yoked

I recently counseled a Christian who told me he had started dating a terrific woman a few weeks earlier. I was pretty sure that he had waited so long to tell me because she was not a believer. In the next session I asked about her faith, and he told me that the woman was open to Christianity and willing to go to church with him but inferred that she was not a believer.  We went on to discuss the implications of this and the risks, but he continued to date her.  My heart broke for him when I thought about what might lie ahead.  

In 2 Corinthians 6:14-18, the Apostle Paul writes to believers about being “unequally yoked”.  In this context, “unequally yoked” refers to believer in Christ being unequally yoked to a non-believer, such as in a marital relationship.  In agrarian cultures the term yoked was used to describe two animals that were connected by a wooden board or frame that was put over an animal’s head. When the animals are yoked together equally, they worked in tandem to carry a load or plow a field; when the animals were not, they went in different directions and did not accomplish a task. Paul warns believers that they will have nothing in common when they are unequally yoked to unbelievers, and he strongly contrasts the differences between them.  I have known many believers who have experienced enormous heartache from being unequally yoked. But you might ask, how did these believers find themselves in this position in the first place? I have found that unequally yoked Christians generally fall into one of three categories:

Categories of Unequally Yoked Believers

1. One spouse comes to Christ after they marry and the other does not. 2. Each spouse apparently is a believer when they marry but one falls away from the faith or was never really a Christian. 3. A believer knowingly marries a non-believer. Let’s look at the lives of real people who fall into each of these categories and how being unequally yoked impacts their lives. The names and identifying features of these people have been changed.

Nonbelievers Marry and One Becomes a Believer

Susan was a Christian “in name only” when she married Sam, an unbeliever.  Early in their marriage Sam became a successful business owner and worked constantly. He was a good provider but neglected his family. Eventually Susan felt lonely and rejected and turned to Christ. As her faith grew the differences between Susan and Sam’s values and priorities became more pronounced and the couple began to experience more and more conflict. Eventually Sam left Susan for another woman after 20 years of marriage and three kids.  Susan was devastated but, in her grief, she turned to God to find comfort and grew spiritually.     

A Believer Unintentionally Marries An Unbeliever

The second scenario I frequently see is a believer who unwittingly marries someone who they thought was a believer but who turns out not to be. Seth was a believer who was raised in a strong Christian family. He diligently prayed from a spouse for many years and when he met Olivia, he was sure she was the one he had been waiting for. Olivia professed Christ, went to church with him and seemed to say all the right things. Shortly after the wedding Olivia’s interest in Christianity waned. She stopped going to church and she became paranoid and abusive. A few years later when I saw him for counseling Seth lamented that he had not had the spiritual discernment to see whether Olivia had the godly qualities he wanted in a spouse before they married. Today they are still married but very unhappily. Seth has stayed for the children and because he does not think he has Biblical grounds for divorce.    

A Believer Knowingly Marries An Unbeliever

  In the third category are believers who knowingly marry unbelievers. Often these people think that the special love they share will be enough to bridge their differences. These people are either unaware of what Scripture says about being unequally yoked or bend or disregard what it says.

When Sybil began getting serious about Brad, she was warned by a close friend not to marry him because Brad was not a believer.  Sybil married him anyway. She found Brad charming, funny and he seemed to offer her the security she longed for. After they married it did not take long for Sybil to see some serious personality and character flaws in Brad. Because they did not see life from the same vantage point spiritually, they had difficulty communicating and resolving conflict. Today after twenty-five years of marriage and three kids they are living separate lives while still residing in the same house.

Over the years I have known unequally yoked believers who had pretty good marriages. The only problem was that the believer was unable to share the most important thing in their life with their spouse, which was Christ.  This led to a lack of deep intimacy between them.    

In each of these scenarios we see marriages that have gone badly off track.

Unequally Yoked People See Life Differently

 When a believer in married to an unbeliever their differences impact every aspect of their lives:  how they spend their time, how they spend their money, whether they offer Christian hospitality, how they discipline their children, what they teach their children, whether they go to church, who they spend time with, how they resolve conflict, how they treat each other, what they watch, etc...These differences will usually cause division in the marriage and the couple often grows apart. Sometimes this causes the believing partner to grow in his or her faith; at other times it causes them to fall away from Christ.  By contrast, there are cases where the believer can lead the unbelieving spouse to faith.  Regardless, the road can be a very difficult one for those who are unequally yoked. Most believers who find themselves in this situation have many regrets.

 Does being unequally yoked constitute Biblical grounds for divorce?  The answer, in general, is no, absent some other Biblical ground, such as adultery or abandonment.  Scripture calls upon unequally yoked spouses to work out their faith and their marriage as best they can, with God’s grace.

 If you find yourself unequally yoked and need help navigating this difficult world, please reach out to me.   

How to Learn Contentment

Thinking back on the holidays, I had some thoughts I wanted to share with you. Christmas promises to be “the most wonderful time of the year”, or so the lyrics of Andy Williams’ familiar holiday song tell us. Each year at the holidays, people spend weeks decorating, buying and wrapping gifts, writing out cards, preparing special food, and making plans to spend time with family. Sometimes things do not go as hoped, and disappointment sets in: families argue, flights are cancelled, gifts are not appreciated, or people get the flu.  However, even when these things don’t happen and our holiday expectations are generally met, what we experience does not satisfy us, or, at best, gives us merely fleeting pleasures.   

 Would you like to experience a deep contentment that is not contingent on favorable circumstances at Christmas or at any other time during the year? I know I would. But is this possible? 

 Let me begin by defining what contentment is: Contentment is the state of being satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else.” It is finding deep satisfaction in God alone and in His provision.  It is experiencing His peace and confidence even in the most trying times.  

 In his classic 1648 book, The Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment the Puritan minister Jeremiah Burroughs declares, “Christian contentment is that sweet, inward, quiet, gracious frame of spirit, which freely submits to and delights in God’s wise and fatherly disposal in every situation.” It is the opposite of grumbling, complaining and ingratitude.    

 You may be wondering whether a contentment this profound is even possible. Let me assure you it is possible, and the Apostle Paul lets us in on the secret in Philippians 4:11-13.  

“I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”  

Contentment Does Not Depend Upon Our Circumstances. 

 When Paul says that he learned contentment, we know that his lessons were not theoretical. When we look at Paul’s life, we see that he went through trials well beyond what most of us will ever experience in life. He was: rejected, beaten, stoned, imprisoned, shipwrecked, hungry, thirsty, he spent a night and a day in the open sea, and had physical ailments, including the famous “thorn in the flesh.” It is in each of these situations that God taught Paul how to be content in any and every situation.  

 This is vividly illustrated in Acts 14:14 when Paul and Silos cast an evil spirit out of a young slave girl who was telling fortunes. Because she could no longer earn money for her owners, they had Paul and Silos handed over to the authorities. They stripped, beaten, flogged, and thrown into prison, but even then, they could be heard praying and singing songs of praise which had a profound impact on those around them.  

 In my counseling practice, I often hear people say, “If my spouse did not neglect me, I would not be depressed,” or, “If I was not out of work I would not have started drinking.” The implication is that circumstances dictate that we respond in less-than-ideal ways. But Paul shows us that this does have to be the case.     

Difficult circumstances do not have to make us discontented, but when we do see discontentment in our lives, it can reveal what we are setting our hopes on. It shows us what we value, love, and worship.  We were all created by God to be worshippers, and we either worship the one true God or counterfeit gods. Anything that we worship other than the one true God has the power to enslave us. This can easily lead to disillusionment.      

We often believe that if our circumstances would change, we would be content but Paul proves that this just isn’t true.  

Contentment Comes from God. 

 In Paul’s day, one of the most popular philosophical outlooks was Stoicism. One of the central teachings of the Stoic school was the virtue of indifference to things that one has no control over. If something is outside of your control, it is not out of control; it is in God’s control. Christian faith and trust allow us to put on this mindset of contentment in suffering while knowing it is only temporary, and that God is in control.  Paul found deep, satisfying contentment in God.  Contentment comes not from favorable circumstances but from our Savior.  Elizabeth Elliot wrote, “It is Christ in me not me in a different set of circumstances.”   

 Throughout Scripture we see countless examples of people who were content in difficult situations because they relied upon God. In the life of Joseph, David, Job, Peter, and Stephen, we see a few examples.   

 The best example was the life of Jesus himself, the suffering servant.  Jesus left heaven where he reigned as king and humbled himself, becoming a man and walked among us.  Jesus suffered: rejection, abuse, physical torture, abandonment, unlawful beatings, and was eventually killed.  Yet, he relied on God throughout and was content knowing that God would bring good out of evil.  Jesus said that he endured the cross for the joy set before him. What was that joy? It was us, that we would receive salvation through his death and resurrection and spend eternity with him in heaven.  

 Our culture tells us that we must be self-sufficient, and independent and that we can do anything if we set our minds to it.  But God told Paul in 2 Corinthians 12 that His power is made perfect in weakness.  For a mature Christian, life is led in constant reliance on God.   

 Let me give you an example of this lived out in my own life. One night my husband and I were in the car having an argument.  During the argument, I silently prayed a “flare prayer” to God. I honestly told God how hurt I was, how angry I was, how hard my heart was and how I did not even want to play nice. Almost instantly God intervened and changed me. Within a matter of seconds, I could not even remember what the argument was about.  I immediately apologized for my part in the quarrel and sought to work through the conflict.    

 You might be saying to yourself, “Well, I cannot even imagine having the presence of mind to do that during an argument.”  How did I do it? Let me quote Paul in Philippians 4:13, “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”   

 Contentment Must Be Learned 

 Contentment is not found or imparted; it is learned.  Paul learned contentment through various trials over the course of his lifetime. Change is a process that can take years to cultivate.     

 Charles Spurgeon, the famous British pastor wrote that contentment is not a natural propensity of man.  Covetousness, discontent, and murmuring are as natural to man as thorns are to the soil.  We need not sow brambles and thistles; they come up naturally enough, because they are indigenous to earth: and so we need not teach man to complain: they complain fast enough without any education.  But the precious things of the earth must be cultivated.  If we would have wheat, we must plough and sow; if we want flowers, there must be the garden, and all the gardener’s care.  Now, contentment is one of the flowers of heaven, and if we would have it, it must be cultivated; it will not grow in us by nature; it is the new nature alone that can produce it. 

 Practical Ways to Learn Contentment 

We must foster a closer personal relationship with God.

The only way to do this is through Jesus Christ and what he did for us on the cross when he forgave our sins. We need to have time with God in Bible study and prayer each day. Tim Keller wrote What is a Quiet Time? to help us have a richer devotional life.     

We must learn the Bible’s truths about God’s character and his promises.  

We must meditate on the nature of God’s character, and see that he is all loving, good, powerful and faithful despite what our circumstances might tell us.   

 We must also learn that God has higher purposes for all the trials we confront and hold on to his precious promises.  You might want to start with the story of Joseph (Genesis 37-50) and see how God brings good out of evil. Study Romans 8:28 which says, “All things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to his purposes.”  

 Once we have learned God’s Word, we must apply it to our lives and obey God’s truth which he has revealed to us in the Bible.  

 We must unmask our counterfeit gods.  

Often the source of our discontent can be found in setting our hearts on things, often good things, that have become too important. In the end, these things cannot truly satisfy us.   

 We need to ask ourselves diagnostic questions to unearth what we are believing in, trusting in, and what we are worshipping other than God.  We must then repent for having trusted and worshiped these counterfeit gods. One way to do this is by listening for our “If onlys:”   

 If only I had…..then I would be happy.  You can fill in the blank.   

If only I could find the right person to marry. 

If only I had a better job.   

If only my spouse treated me better. 

If only my children would obey. 

If only I could be thinner, prettier, smarter, richer, more popular…  

 You might also ask yourself the following questions: What do you think you need?  What must you have to be happy? What do I fanaticize about when your mind wanders?  If you could be granted a wish, what would it be?  When we see what has replaced God on the throne we must ask for forgiveness and remove it.  

 We must change our thinking. 

Romans 12:2 says,” You will be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” So much of our attitude can be changed if we take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ. We must replace the what ifs with what is: “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy think about such things” (Philippians 4:8.)    

 We must be in relationship with God’s people. 

 We cannot learn contentment in isolation but must be in relationship with others. God ordained that his church community would help you, encourage you, model Christ for you, challenge you and pray for you to grow in Christian contentment.   

 If you are not thriving in your present circumstances and need professional help, please reach out to me at Beth Hastings Counseling and I will do my best to help you.   

 God bless, 

Beth Hastings      

Finding Encouragement from Psalm 23

Perhaps the most beloved passage in all of Scripture, the 23rd Psalm has brought encouragement to the hearts of all God’s people.

The words penned by King David, “The Lord is my shepherd” harken back to his own humble roots as a shepherd. Though he’s now a powerful ruler, David intimately characterizes the Lord as “his shepherd” and shows that he still relies on God like a lowly sheep being tended to by his shepherd. This shepherd metaphor becomes especially rich when we note that sheep, though valuable, are helpless, stupid animals who cannot find food or water, who wander away from the flock, and cannot defend themselves from pests, parasites, or predators. The shepherd must provide everything for his sheep so they will survive.  

Throughout Psalm 23 David paints a beautiful picture of God the loving shepherd, providing for his every need.

As it was for David, it is for us too. God provides for all of our temporal needs.

This does not mean that he will give us everything we want, rather God gives us everything he deems good for us. By leading us to the green pastures of his scripture God feeds our souls. Then he makes us lie down and chew or meditate on his Word, which leads to spiritual renewal. God leads us beside quiet waters to refresh us (in scripture water symbolizes the work and the ministry of the Holy Spirit). In the same way a good shepherd goes after sheep who have wandered away from the flock, God restores backsliders then brings them back into the fold through repentance. God guides us in paths of righteous that will bring blessing to us and glory and honor to God. Glorifying his name is the reason for our existence. God takes all people through trials that seem like the valley of death, and in the end we all will confront death.

But God’s presence goes with us through this dark valley, comforting and protecting us with a rod (to club the wild animals) and a staff (to walk with and to round up the flock). Eventually God leads us out of our trials, or the dark valley is our entrance into glory. Then God prepares a bountiful table for us, which indicates mutual loyalty. This feast can be the culminating token of a covenant or a celebration of a victory in war, while the captive enemies look on.  Our Lord anoints our heads with oil and our cups overflow. In scripture to anoint a man’s head with oil expressed honor and esteem, and an overflowing cup indicated God’s overflow of blessings. God, who is both goodness and love, follows us, believers, all the days of our lives. Then he leads us into his house (or church) and eventually brings us to our final destination, eternity with God.    

Jesus in Psalm 23

The Old Testament writers depicted God as their shepherd, and this picture finds its fulfillment in the Lord Jesus Christ. Jesus is their shepherd, but he is also the Lamb of God. The son of God, who came to earth as a man, dwelled among us and died as the sacrificial lamb for sinners.     

Jesus said, “I am the good shepherd” (John 10:14). As the good shepherd provides his sheep with rest, rich pastures, and quiet waters, so the Lord takes care of his people in the most plentiful way. Jesus, himself, is the embodiment of God’s temporal and spiritual provision. Jesus said, “I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty” (John 6:35).  How can we want when we’re united to Christ? We have the right to use all of his riches.

The nature of the shepherd’s care also lies in guidance. The shepherd is constantly with his sheep to protect, guide, and comfort them. Jesus who is all powerful allover all creation is more than able to protect us. Even the winds and the sea obey him (Mark 4:41). Jesus guides and comforts his sheep, saying that his sheep know his voice and they follow him. He tells us that the hired hand will abandon the sheep when he sees a wolf coming. But Jesus, the Good Shepherd, lays down his life for his sheep. He will even leave the other ninety-nine sheep to go in search of one lost sheep, restoring him back into the fold. Jesus leads sinners to conversion or to repentance.

Jesus, the sacrificial lamb, walked alone through the valley of the shadow of death, as a lamb lead to the slaughter, while God, the shepherd, looked the other way. He was cut off from the land of the living, dying on the cross for sinners so that we will never have to walk through the valley of the shadow of death again, and God will never look the other way. Now, “Neither life or “Neither life or death will be able to separate us from the love of God who is in Jesus Christ our Lord” (Romans 8:38, 39)    

The table God prepares for us foreshadows the Last Supper, where Jesus announced, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood” (Luke 7:22:20). In the New Testament, at his baptism, Jesus was anointed not with oil but with the Holy Spirit. In this same way Jesus anoints us with honor and privilege, through the Holy Spirit (Peter 2:9-10). Now our enemies must just stand back and look on as we enjoy Jesus’ bountiful feast, knowing that they have been vanquished and will one day be thrown into the lake of fire.     

Jesus is the goodness and mercy of God incarnate that enables us to dwell in the house of the Lord forever. In Revelation 7:16, 17 Jesus said, “Never again will they hunger; never again will they thirst. The sun will not beat upon them, nor any scorching heat. For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; “he will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.” One day we will spend eternity with Jesus, praising him forever.