Are You Married But Lonely?
Do you ever wonder if you married the wrong person?
Do you have lots of unproductive, hurtful arguments with your spouse that never get resolved?
Have you forgotten how to have fun together?
Perhaps the busyness of life has prevented you from having the deep connection you once had? You feel like strangers passing each other in the hall and your communication has been reduced to, “Have you placed the DoorDash order?” and “Can you pick up the kids?” You may not even be able to remember the last time you were intimate. You may still love your spouse, but you are lonely.
Perhaps there has been a betrayal involving infidelity, pornography, abuse, abdication of responsibility, or mishandling of money, and lies have only compounded this betrayal? This has left you feeling angry, estranged, or guilty and you wonder whether you will ever be able to recover and rebuild trust.
If this sounds like your marriage, do not despair; you have come to the right place. I am a seminary trained counselor with advanced couple’s therapy training from the Gottman Institute. With my support, experience and training I can help you restore your marriage.
Every Marriage Goes Through Difficult Seasons
Most marriages experience times of dryness in which one or both partners find themselves dissatisfied with the relationship.
When couples say, “I do,” they have the highest hopes for their marriages. During the honeymoon period, they gaze passionately into their partner’s eyes, hang on their every word and overlook annoying habits. It is hard to imagine that the bliss will ever end. But over time things change, as they always do. The pressures of life set in: jobs, children, elderly parents, or financial problems encroach. Then little things start to become annoying: the toilet seat being left up, your spouse being late for church, or dishes not being done. Eventually they look at their spouse and think, “I cannot believe you are so self-centered!” And their spouse looks at them and thinks the very same thing. When this happens, anger, disappointment and disillusionment set in and you want to give up.
Many couples give up because they have never grasped that God’s plan for marriage is much bigger than their own personal fulfillment. God intended marriage to be a permanent, intimate relationship in which two people are irrevocably joined together as one. Marriage is an earthly depiction of the relationship between Jesus and His church, the bride of Christ. Marriages are intended to be living testimonies to Jesus’ inseparable union with believers. It is in this loving, committed union that God progressively molds couples into the likeness of Jesus. God’s intension for marriage is not just to make us happy and fulfilled but to make us holy and beautiful.
If you have caught God’s vision for marriage and this is the kind of marriage you aspire to, I can help you cultivate a rich, fulfilling, Gospel-centered marriage that will stand the test of time.
Gospel-Centered Couples Therapy Can Restore Your Marriage
I use a biblical counseling approach to marriage counseling. It is my view that Scripture is sufficient to diagnose and treat marriage problems. But I do not give you a few Bible verses and say you’re good to go. Rather, I apply Scripture in a sensitive, personal, wise and comprehensive way. I believe that if rightly interpreted and correctly applied, Scripture offers God’s solution for how to overcome marital difficulties.
In counseling I help couples learn biblically sound ways to communicate, resolve conflict, restore trust, forgive and restore intimacy. I don’t just apply a solution-based approach, in which a problem is identified, and new skills are taught. Though not bad, this approach is comparable to repairing parts of an old car only to find out that the frame has rusted out. For marriages to be what God designed them to be, the rebuilding, restoring, and reconciling must be constructed on a new foundation.
This new foundation begins in the heart, the seat of your deepest trusts and loves and from which your thoughts, words, actions and emotions flow. It is out of the heart that you worship, and what you worship profoundly shapes your interactions with your spouse. When you love God and worship Him exclusively, you will find it easier to love your spouse.
In counseling, I will help you identify the idols which have competed with God for your heart, and we will work together to remove them. I will also help you locate areas of your life that do not align with Scripture and show you new ways to trust and obey God. We will then rebuild your heart’s foundation so that it is based on God’s truth, design, and purpose. Once this solid foundation is in place, I will show you how to rebuild a stronger, more satisfying, and God honoring marriage.
But you may feel that there is no hope for your marriage and the hurt is too deep to restore the relationship and love you once had. The truth is that with Gospel-centered marriage counseling your dead marriage can be restored. God is able to use the same resurrection power that raised Jesus to raise your marriage from the dead and make it more glorious than ever before.
You May Still Have Questions About Christian Marriage Counseling
What are Marriage therapy sessions with you like?
When I meet with a couple for marriage counseling, I do my best to provide a loving, grace-filled, non-judgmental environment where you and your spouse will feel safe enough to share the fine china of your lives. Because marriage problems can be so exhausting and discouraging, I do my best to be encouraging and I infuse the abundant hope of the gospel in every session.
The first marriage counseling session is 90 minutes. I will begin each session in prayer for couples who feel comfortable praying. I will then ask you to describe what is happening in your marriage, why you are seeking therapy, and how you view your problems. I will go on to ask you to tell me about how you met and what your first impressions of each other were. This is often the high point of the session as couples recall some of their most cherished memories. Next, I will ask you to discuss a problem for 10 minutes while I am a fly on the wall. This will enable me to see some of the interpersonal dynamics going on in your marriage.
Finally, I will ask you to consider taking the Gottman Check-Up, an online relationship assessment, to help pinpoint the strengths and weaknesses in your marriage so we can concentrate on the areas of your marriage that most need change.
In the next two sessions I will meet with each spouse individually to hear about your faith journey, your family of origin, previous relationships and all about your individual lives. In the fourth session the three of us will meet together again to go over the assessment results and to discuss our goals. I will then design a treatment plan that is based on your unique needs and we will proceed with it in subsequent sessions.
How often do you usually meet with couples?
I recommend that we have sessions every week, especially at the beginning. This provides the continuity and momentum necessary to make changes as quickly as possible. This also prevents you and your spouse from becoming discouraged and disengaged.
What if my spouse does not want to come to couple’s therapy?
For marriage counseling to be most effective, it requires commitment from both partners. However, when one spouse seeks individual counseling it often has a positive impact on them and on the marriage. When the other spouse sees these changes, it will often draw them in to marriage counseling.
Another approach is to ask your spouse to attend a set number of counseling sessions, usually around 6. This will enable him or her to see the benefits of marriage counseling without making an open-ended commitment.
I think that we need help, but we have heard that marriage counseling expensive?
Marriage counseling is an investment in your future, and it pays dividends that go well beyond a transformed marriage. It is well documented that when marriages improve, couples are mentally and physically healthier, more productive at their jobs, and have better relationships with family and friends. The time and money used to restore your marriage can be a very good investment in the long run.
I understand how daunting the prospect of marriage counseling can be. Opening up to a counselor might make you feel vulnerable. But if you can summon up the courage to contact me you will not regret it. I can help you have a marriage that is happier and stronger than ever.
Are You Ready To Transform Your Marriage?
I invite you to give me a call. I offer a free, no obligation, 15-minute phone consultation and I will answer any questions you might have about counseling. Call me at: 973-464-2759
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