When a couple comes to me for marriage counseling it is not unusual for them to be engaging in contemptuous behavior. In every marriage, conflict is inevitable. Two flawed people, living in close relationship, will naturally encounter misunderstandings, frustrations, and hurt feelings. But while disagreement and even anger can be repaired with humility and grace, contempt strikes at the very heart of a marriage and is devastating to the covenant God designed to reflect His love and unity (Ephesians 5:31–32).
Contempt is more than mere conflict. It is a posture of the heart that communicates superiority, disdain, and disgust toward one's spouse. Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher on marriage and relationships, calls contempt “the sulfuric acid of love.” He writes:
“Contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. It is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust and superiority—especially moral, ethical, or characterological.”
— John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
From a biblical perspective, this makes sense. Contempt contradicts the very foundation of Christian love, which “is patient and kind… does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others… it is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Corinthians 13:4–5). Contempt does the opposite—it is impatient, belittling, and keeps a running tally of perceived failures. It replaces honor with humiliation. It sends the message, “I am disgusted with you.”
What Does Contempt Look Like?
Contempt often takes the form of sarcasm, eye-rolling, mockery, name-calling, or a tone of superiority. It may be laced in “jokes” that degrade or in a cold silence that withholds connection. These actions can become so normalized in communication that a couple may not even realize the damage being done.
For example, one spouse might say, “Oh, great—another brilliant idea from the person who can’t even remember to take out the trash,” or sigh dramatically and mutter, “Why do I even bother talking to you?” These kinds of remarks cut deeply. Over time, they erode a spouse’s sense of value, dignity, and trust. In biblical terms, contempt curses rather than blesses (James 3:9–10), tears down rather than builds up (Ephesians 4:29).
The Deep Damage Contempt Causes
In marriage counseling I often meet with couples where one—or both—spouses feel emotionally battered. Their marriage is not just struggling; it is suffocating under layers of bitterness and disdain. Many have endured years of subtle put-downs or constant criticism disguised as “truth-telling.” O
Contempt is dangerous because it deeply wounds their spouse’s heart. Marriage is meant to be a place of safety, where both spouses are known, accepted, and nurtured. When contempt is present, that safety is replaced with fear or shame. Instead of being emotionally “naked and unashamed” (Genesis 2:25), spouses begin to self-protect, hide, or retaliate. Emotional distance grows, and over time, the spiritual and relational connection begins to break down.
Gottman’s research confirms that contempt leads to emotional disengagement, which is often the first step toward separation or divorce. But even more importantly, from a biblical view, contempt violates the call to love one another as Christ loved us—with humility, forgiveness, and tender-hearted compassion (Colossians 3:12–14).
The Heart Behind Contempt
Contempt rarely arises overnight. It often grows out of unresolved hurt, unconfessed sin, pride, unforgiveness or deep disappointment. When we feel unheard, betrayed, or unappreciated, we may begin to justify negative thoughts about our spouse. Instead of addressing pain with honesty and grace, we build emotional defenses. Over time, these become contempt.
But Scripture warns us against harboring bitterness. Hebrews 12:15 urges us to “see to it that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” Contempt is one such root—it poisons not only our speech, but our perspective. We stop seeing our spouse as a fellow image-bearer, redeemed by Christ, and begin viewing them through a lens of judgment or disgust.
A Call to Repentance and Renewal
The good news is that God is in the business of redemption. No matter how deep the wounds of contempt may run, the Holy Spirit can soften even the hardest heart. The first step is repentance. If you recognize contempt in your heart or your marriage, bring it before the Lord in humility. Confess it as sin—not just against your spouse, but against the God who calls us to love and serve one another. 1 John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, he [God] is faithful and just to forgive our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”
Then, seek to replace contempt with compassion. Ask God to help you see your spouse through His eyes—as broken, yes, but beloved. As someone in need of grace, just like you. Remember Romans 12:10: “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.”
In counseling, I often encourage couples to rebuild the foundations of their communication. This includes:
Practicing gentle speech (Proverbs 15:1)
Expressing gratitude daily
Listening with empathy, not just for content, but for emotion
Confessing when pride or harshness creeps in
Praying together, even when it’s hard
These habits, when done consistently, can begin to melt the icy layers of contempt and restore warmth to the marriage bond.
Final Words of Hope
Contempt may be a powerful predictor of divorce, but it is not the final word. Jesus came to heal broken hearts and reconcile relationships. If you are struggling in a contempt-filled marriage, know this: you are not alone, and your situation is not hopeless. With humility, truth, and the power of the gospel, healing is possible.
Let us remember Paul’s words in Ephesians 4:31–32:
“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
If You Are Experiencing Contempt, Contact Me For Marriage Counseling
Marriage counseling can help overcome contempt. Please contact me at the link below. I can help you connect with Christ and show you how to replace contempt with compassion, cruelty with kindness, and hostility with hope.