Boundaries are a gift from God. They are not walls that shut people out, but gates that allow us to love wisely. As biblical counselor, I often find that one of the most important, yet misunderstood, tools in cultivating healthy relationships is the practice of setting godly boundaries. Scripture presents boundaries not as selfish defenses, but as essential expressions of wisdom, dignity, and stewardship of the lives God has entrusted to us.
What Are Boundaries?
Boundaries are the emotional, spiritual, and sometimes physical lines that define where one person ends and another begins. They help us distinguish between our responsibilities and those of others. In Galatians 6:2, we’re told to “carry each other’s burdens,” but just a few verses later in Galatians 6:5, Paul says, “each one should carry their own load.” This is not a contradiction, but a helpful distinction: we are to help one another with burdens too heavy to carry alone, while also encouraging them to take responsibility for our own actions, emotions, and decisions.
A boundary, then, is a tool that enables us to do both. It allows us to love others without enabling their sin or neglecting our own well-being.
Why Are Boundaries Necessary?
Because we live in a fallen world, relationships are often messy. People may try to control, manipulate, or use others. In some cases, individuals lose themselves by becoming enmeshed with another—taking on more responsibility than is theirs to bear, or feeling guilty for saying no.
God did not design relationships to function this way. Even Jesus, who was perfectly loving, set boundaries. He often withdrew from the crowds to be alone with His Father (Luke 5:16), refused to engage with manipulative demands (Luke 20:1–8), and did not entrust Himself to everyone (John 2:24–25), knowing what was in their hearts. If our Savior—who embodied self-giving love—modeled healthy boundaries, how much more do we, in our brokenness, need them?
How Boundaries Work in Real Life
Let’s consider a few examples to understand how boundaries function.
1. The Over-Responsible Spouse
Anna is a wife who constantly fixes her husband’s problems. He overspends, and she secretly pays the bills. He misses work, and she covers for him. While she thinks she’s being supportive, her actions are enabling irresponsibility. In counseling, Anna learns that love doesn't mean rescuing someone from the consequences of their actions. She begins to establish financial boundaries, letting her husband know she will no longer cover his debts. At first, this causes tension, but over time, it opens the door for him to face the reality of his behavior and seek help. Anna is no longer crushed under the weight of managing his life.
2. The Boundaryless Friendship
James has a friend, Mark, who calls at all hours, expects constant emotional support, and becomes offended if James is unavailable. James is drained but afraid to set limits because he doesn’t want to be unloving or unservantlike. Through biblical counseling, James learns that love has limits. He communicates honestly with Mark, explaining that while he values their friendship, he can no longer be available 24/7. He assures Mark of his care but sets firm boundaries around phone calls and emotional energy. Surprisingly, the friendship grows healthier because it is no longer built on guilt or fear.
3. The Abusive Parent
Rachel is an adult daughter with a verbally abusive parent. Every visit ends in insults and spiritual manipulation. Rachel loves her parent deeply but finds herself losing peace and self-worth. With guidance, she comes to see that honoring her parent (Exodus 20:12) does not mean allowing continued abuse. She sets clear limits—visits must be respectful, or she will leave. She prays for her parent, speaks truth in love, and entrusts the outcome to God. These boundaries reflect both love and wisdom.
Boundaries Are Not Punitive
Some people fear that setting a boundary is unkind or un-Christian. But boundaries are not punishments—they are stewardship. Proverbs 4:23 tells us, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Guarding your heart doesn’t mean becoming self-centered. It means recognizing that your heart is the wellspring of your life. You are responsible before God for how you live, love, and relate to others.
Jesus never enabled sin, manipulation, or falsehood. He spoke the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15) and taught that true reconciliation requires repentance. Biblical love is not boundaryless. In fact, love requires structure to thrive—like a trellis that supports a vine.
Common Misunderstandings
“If I set boundaries, I’m being selfish.”
No—you're practicing self-control and honoring both God and others by refusing to participate in dysfunction.“They’ll be mad at me.”
Possibly. People who benefit from a lack of boundaries often resist when they are first established. But boundaries invite growth and accountability.“Jesus wouldn’t do this.”
Actually, He did. He said “no,” He walked away, and He didn’t let others derail His mission. His boundaries were always loving, never reactive.
Boundaries and the Gospel
The gospel transforms how we approach relationships. Because of Christ, we are no longer enslaved to the fear of man (Proverbs 29:25) or driven by guilt to over-function in relationships. We are free to love from a place of security—not fear or compulsion.
Boundaries, rightly understood, allow us to say yes to what God has called us to—and no to what is harmful or outside our responsibility. They help us keep God on the throne, rather than letting others control or define us.
Contact Me for Help Setting Boundaries
If you are struggling to set boundaries, there is hope. Please click the link below to contact me for marriage counseling or individual counseling. I can help implement loving, firm and wise boundaries. God invites you to live in truth and love—and healthy boundaries are a beautiful part of that invitation.