In marriage counseling, I am called to “speak the truth in love” (Eph. 4:15) and to “defend the rights of the poor and needy” (Prov. 31:9). These commands compel me to be vigilant in recognizing the reality of domestic abuse and to respond with wisdom, compassion, and a commitment to justice. Domestic abuse is not simply about conflict in marriage—it is a pattern of coercive control, manipulation, and harm that crushes the spirit and the dignity of one who bears God’s image.
What Is Domestic Abuse?
Domestic abuse is a persistent pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another. It often includes emotional, verbal, spiritual, physical, sexual, and financial manipulation. Darby Strickland, from CCEF, writes that, “Abuse occurs in marriage when one spouse pursues their own self-interests by seeking to control and dominate the other through a pattern of coercive, controlling and punishing behaviors”[i] Abuse is not always visible; often, it is hidden behind closed doors and cloaked in religious language, making it even more harmful.
One misnomer is that anger causes abuse, but this is not the case. Rather, anger occurs when one person believes they have the right to control the other. This is critical to understand, especially in Christian settings where an abuser might misuse Scripture to justify domination or demand submission. Abuse is not a marriage problem—it is a sin problem rooted in oppression.
The Biblical View of Oppression
Throughout Scripture, God identifies Himself as the defender of the oppressed. Psalm 9:9 says, “The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.” Abuse is an act of oppression, and God stands against those who exploit and harm others. Proverbs 14:31 tells us, “Whoever oppresses a poor man insults his Maker.” The abused spouse, often silenced and shamed, bears the image of God and is precious in His sight.
As a biblical counselor, I must echo God’s heart for justice and mercy by recognizing abuse for what it is—an assault on the dignity of another person and a violation of God’s design for marriage.
The Impact on the Oppressed Spouse
The effects of domestic abuse on the oppressed spouse are profound and far-reaching. Abuse erodes a person’s sense of self-worth, distorts their perception of reality, and causes deep emotional and spiritual wounds.
1. Emotional and Psychological Impact
Victims often experience anxiety, depression, confusion, and fear. They live in a constant state of hyper-vigilance, they walk on eggshells never sure when the next outburst, insult, or controlling behavior will occur. “Emotional abuse systematically degrades, diminishes, and can even destroy the personhood of the abused. Most people describe emotional abuse as being far more painful and traumatic than physically abuse.” [ii]
2. Spiritual Damage
When abuse is accompanied by spiritual manipulation—such as twisting Scripture to justify control or demanding forgiveness without repentance—the damage intensifies. Victims may come to believe that God is angry with them or that they are obligated to endure suffering as a form of righteousness.
Abuse distorts a woman’s understanding of God. They may believe that God has the characteristics of abuser and is demanding, harsh, and punitive.
3. Sexual and Physical Trauma
Some victims suffer sexual coercion or assault within marriage. This is not only a violation of trust but of the covenantal intimacy that marriage is meant to reflect. Sexual abuse within marriage is especially devastating because it comes from the one person who has pledged to love, protect and honor their spouse.
4. Shame and Isolation
One of the most sinister effects of abuse is how it isolates the victim. The abuser may cut off family ties, manipulate church relationships, or convince the victim that no one will believe her or him. Shame and secrecy grow in this isolation.
A Counselor’s Compassionate Response
When a spouse is experiencing oppression, I do my best to incarnate Christ and approach them with gentleness and compassion. Isaiah 42:3 speaks of the coming Messiah: “A bruised reed he will not break, and a faintly burning wick he will not quench.” This is my model—tender care for those who have been crushed.
1. Listen and Believe
My first goal is to provide a safe place for my clients where they can open up about their experience without fear if judgment. Victims have often been silenced or dismissed by others. Simply hearing their story, affirming their reality, and saying “I believe you” is a step toward restoring dignity.
I then look for patterns of oppression, not just one incident. I try to ask good questions, and listen for the harm that was done to the oppressed not just to what they say.
2. Name the Abuse
Victims often don’t realize what they are experiencing is abuse. They may use phrases like “He’s just angry,” “She just throws things but she never hits me,” “I should be more submissive.” This is where I gently help them identify the patterns of control, fear, and oppression, which enables them to see their situation more clearly.
3. Provide Safety and Support
Safety is paramount. Abuse escalates when it is exposed, and I take every disclosure seriously. This may include helping the victim develop a safety plan, contact trusted family members, or involve authorities or church leadership when necessary. I careful to go at the pace of the oppressed spouse and I do not encourage them to take action before they are ready. I am not the savior but a guide who helps the victim take steps toward safety and healing.
4. Restore a Right View of God and Self
Many victims have internalized false beliefs about God and themselves. They may see God as distant or cruel, and themselves as worthless or to blame.
In Scripture we see that God is loving, just, and kind. One passage which emphasizes these qualities is Psalm 103:10, “The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in love.” We rediscover more about God’s character: He is near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18), a refuge in times of trouble (Nahum 1:7), and the One who sees and hears their cries (Exodus 3:7). He is also the God who sees and acts on the behalf of the oppressed (Genesis 16).
Domestic abuse is not only an assault on the body, mind, and emotions—it is also an assault on the image of God within a person. For those who belong to Christ, abuse is especially painful because it contradicts everything God says about their worth, dignity, and identity. Abuse works like a slow erosion, wearing away the truth of who a person is until lies begin to feel more real than Scripture. For these reasons it is imperative that victims see how domestic abuse has distorted their self-image. The gospel declares that identity is not defined by another’s sin against them but by who God says that they are A beloved child of God.
Conclusion: God Sees, God Cares, God Acts
Domestic abuse is not a marital issue to be endured—it is a form of oppression that God hates.
When I am seeing a couple for marriage counseling and find a spouse experiencing oppression, I come alongside the afflicted, protecting them, and pointing them to the true Healer. I never minimize abuse, excuse it with religious language, or pressure victims into premature reconciliation.
Our God is a God of justice, mercy, and restoration. He calls us to protect the oppressed, to speak truth with love, and to offer hope that healing is possible. I try to do this important work with humility, courage, and the unwavering belief that every person—especially the wounded—is deeply loved by God.
If you think you are experiencing domestic abuse, please reach out to me at the link below. I have helped many people just like you seek healing, wholeness and a deeper relationship with God.