I recently counseled a Christian who told me he had started dating a terrific woman a few weeks earlier. I was pretty sure that he had waited so long to tell me because she was not a believer. In the next session I asked about her faith, and he told me that the woman was open to Christianity and willing to go to church with him but inferred that she was not a believer. We went on to discuss the implications of this and the risks, but he continued to date her. My heart broke for him when I thought about what might lie ahead.
In 2 Corinthians 6:14-18, the Apostle Paul writes to believers about being “unequally yoked”. In this context, “unequally yoked” refers to believer in Christ being unequally yoked to a non-believer, such as in a marital relationship. In agrarian cultures the term yoked was used to describe two animals that were connected by a wooden board or frame that was put over an animal’s head. When the animals are yoked together equally, they worked in tandem to carry a load or plow a field; when the animals were not, they went in different directions and did not accomplish a task. Paul warns believers that they will have nothing in common when they are unequally yoked to unbelievers, and he strongly contrasts the differences between them. I have known many believers who have experienced enormous heartache from being unequally yoked. But you might ask, how did these believers find themselves in this position in the first place? I have found that unequally yoked Christians generally fall into one of three categories:
Categories of Unequally Yoked Believers
1. One spouse comes to Christ after they marry and the other does not. 2. Each spouse apparently is a believer when they marry but one falls away from the faith or was never really a Christian. 3. A believer knowingly marries a non-believer. Let’s look at the lives of real people who fall into each of these categories and how being unequally yoked impacts their lives. The names and identifying features of these people have been changed.
Nonbelievers Marry and One Becomes a Believer
Susan was a Christian “in name only” when she married Sam, an unbeliever. Early in their marriage Sam became a successful business owner and worked constantly. He was a good provider but neglected his family. Eventually Susan felt lonely and rejected and turned to Christ. As her faith grew the differences between Susan and Sam’s values and priorities became more pronounced and the couple began to experience more and more conflict. Eventually Sam left Susan for another woman after 20 years of marriage and three kids. Susan was devastated but, in her grief, she turned to God to find comfort and grew spiritually.
A Believer Unintentionally Marries An Unbeliever
The second scenario I frequently see is a believer who unwittingly marries someone who they thought was a believer but who turns out not to be. Seth was a believer who was raised in a strong Christian family. He diligently prayed from a spouse for many years and when he met Olivia, he was sure she was the one he had been waiting for. Olivia professed Christ, went to church with him and seemed to say all the right things. Shortly after the wedding Olivia’s interest in Christianity waned. She stopped going to church and she became paranoid and abusive. A few years later when I saw him for counseling Seth lamented that he had not had the spiritual discernment to see whether Olivia had the godly qualities he wanted in a spouse before they married. Today they are still married but very unhappily. Seth has stayed for the children and because he does not think he has Biblical grounds for divorce.
A Believer Knowingly Marries An Unbeliever
In the third category are believers who knowingly marry unbelievers. Often these people think that the special love they share will be enough to bridge their differences. These people are either unaware of what Scripture says about being unequally yoked or bend or disregard what it says.
When Sybil began getting serious about Brad, she was warned by a close friend not to marry him because Brad was not a believer. Sybil married him anyway. She found Brad charming, funny and he seemed to offer her the security she longed for. After they married it did not take long for Sybil to see some serious personality and character flaws in Brad. Because they did not see life from the same vantage point spiritually, they had difficulty communicating and resolving conflict. Today after twenty-five years of marriage and three kids they are living separate lives while still residing in the same house.
Over the years I have known unequally yoked believers who had pretty good marriages. The only problem was that the believer was unable to share the most important thing in their life with their spouse, which was Christ. This led to a lack of deep intimacy between them.
In each of these scenarios we see marriages that have gone badly off track.
Unequally Yoked People See Life Differently
When a believer in married to an unbeliever their differences impact every aspect of their lives: how they spend their time, how they spend their money, whether they offer Christian hospitality, how they discipline their children, what they teach their children, whether they go to church, who they spend time with, how they resolve conflict, how they treat each other, what they watch, etc...These differences will usually cause division in the marriage and the couple often grows apart. Sometimes this causes the believing partner to grow in his or her faith; at other times it causes them to fall away from Christ. By contrast, there are cases where the believer can lead the unbelieving spouse to faith. Regardless, the road can be a very difficult one for those who are unequally yoked. Most believers who find themselves in this situation have many regrets.
Does being unequally yoked constitute Biblical grounds for divorce? The answer, in general, is no, absent some other Biblical ground, such as adultery or abandonment. Scripture calls upon unequally yoked spouses to work out their faith and their marriage as best they can, with God’s grace.
If you find yourself unequally yoked and need help navigating this difficult world, please reach out to me.